diary
November 5, 2020
I went camping with my friend out the ruins by the volcano last weekend on Halloween. As I write this I'm smoking a grape blunt. I barely remember anything before last weekend because I've been working this Russian job teaching kids english, but it's on a loose string (?) because I no sepak english. It's kinda stressful. Then, last week I was offered the auditing job with Jaci again, and I couldn't refuse an extra $1200 a month. So everything went kinda crazy right before Halloween. Then when my friend came over I started having a mental breakdown and glitching really severely. I would say i felt like I was talking to an alien half the time, and I was constantly monitoring my words and topics of conversation just to keep getting along. While we were smoking, I literally kept going to the bathroom to just look at myself in the mirror because I didn't have the patience to keep playing a character. It had been a while since I had a local friend over, much less spend the night and go on a trip together. She's actually the only person I've still kept in touch with, the only thing we have in common is weed and everything that revolves around that. We even look like we'd be related but we are complete opposites.
We took the bus out to her hometown which is a small town by the volcano (it's actually under the volcano and closer to hell) where they make cheese and milk and cow products. It's whats considered country out here, but it's pretty unique because of the volcano. It's hot and humid out there even though it's kinda in the mountains. I had been there a few times and every time I'm insanely shocked at how different it is than any place I've ever been. It's just so rural and apocalyptic, that I just feel like it's radioactive, or like a fresh wound of a town. just recently bombed electromagnetically. The people are very very bizarre to me. They remind me a lot of cattle. They don't seem to rush, they don't seem to think too hard about anything. They have a very dark look in their face, they wouldn't notice it in each other, but I see it clearly. They look cursed or haunted. They're very catholic and rural, they eat a lot of meat and it's not uncommon for people to kill their own chickens or cows. This is kinda wacko to say but some of the men look like they would fuck a goat or a cow every now and then. It's not racist, it's just kinda what I feel deep down is happening out there. Incest, animal sex, weird shit. They also have a lot of factories out there. It's a dark place. I can tell the minute I'm at the bus station, they have a bunch of TV's on random channels that is like a full blown pornographic movie at like 11 am. When you walk through the town you can hear a slight buzzing from everybody's TVs on all day. The houses are haunted, there's weird murder stories, most people have lived there their entire lives for generations. And everybody is under a spell. There's something I don't understand there.
But anyway, we passed through this town again to get to the camping site. Her aunt and uncle drove us up there after a 2 hour bus ride from the city. I don't know why I ate such a big meal before this bus ride because I almost threw up and felt sick the entire time, but I also feel like it was because we had to pass through hell first. Her aunt and uncle were the weirdest adults I've ever met, just bizarre. Everybody in the town was acting extra apocalyptic, because every single person without exception was wearing a mask. Even if they were standing alone on the side of the road. Out in a farm. My friend even, constantly wore a mask even though I was basically like "u know covid is an inside job right?" and she couldn't fathom the idea of that. I knew I was treading against the current, so I just wore my mask and tried not to make eye contact with anybody until we got up to the campsite.
And once we were there, it was nice, because we had a bunch of food and weed and I genuinely wanted to have a good time. The river was awesome, the whole place is exactly like the most sacred place you could imagine on the planet, just pure and clean and abundant. Millions of species of plants and animals, you could get spend an entire lifetime studing the botany of this place and still not know it. Out there, all of human life is a scam, it's just so complicated and meaningless. I get the sense that nature knows what it's doing, it knows of our existence on a deeper level than we even know. It's been watching us and it's getting ready to make moves. It's just not the thing you can really cash in on, so why would anyone pay attention to this? I can see it watching us, waiting for an opportunity to use us for it's benefit. I could live out there for real. I could just talk to it all day, if there were no one around to bother me.
But anyway, the whole time I just kinda chilled and kept to myself. Whenever I would talk to my friend I felt us growing apart, like our phase as friends is nearing it's end. So I kept manifesting friends that are actually more like me, thinking that I was going camping with them and we were all having fun, doing more of the stuff I like to do, like take pictures and run around and go crazy. There was a dog that came up to us and stayed with us all night and followed us around. I felt like he was the mediator between us, bringing everything into balance. I kept thinking about what I really wanted, especially now that I have some money. I realized I just have to accept the type of person I am is not common, I have to kinda own that and just take myself seriously, because I'm not gonna get the validation I need from locals, or family, or people I used to know. I need a whole new group of people in my life, who are friends with me because we're genuinely similar and are interested in the same things. I almost feel like that's hard to find, even though I don't want to believe that. There's nothing really that weird about me, I don't understand why it should be rare. I'm just a type of human, and I have to attract the other ones, who are also hiding in the middle of nowhere somewhere.
Also, I need to find balance with what I create and what i believe in, vs what I say to people and who I put trust into with my ideas. Now that everybody makes music and wants to collab and whatever, I'm kinda like, leave me the fuck alone. You don't no me. This makes me want to escape for a few months, just log off, turn my phone off, quit my jobs. I don't exactly like being isolated, but lately I feel like I have no other choice. I'm gonna have to make a decision about something, relating to other people and what I give to them and what they give me. I've been battling it for years, I just wanna do my thing, but I'm always pretending like I'm not living in an insane asylum of a social group, checking up on them, accepting their opinions. Something keeps telling me that I'm an alien, plain and simple, just not a common peasant. I have a fate with the forces unseen. I gotta look at it like a dream I'm having, everybody is just a character.
So i'm thinking about things, plotting an escape.
September 14, 2020
Hello again. I feel like shit but its no surprise. I feel like I lost my entire family in the apocalypse and I'm going to die a beautiful young virgin in the plague. I don't have any friends and my whole life I've been kept in a little cage by my family who basically programmed be to believe I'm a crackhead,..,.. and it's just really depressing 2 have to face this.. on top of the fact that I feel like a fucking loser to everyone. I don't fucking fit in here and I have no friends.. but part of it is that I haven't had a stable job or LIFE until now.. I really don't like ""venting"" on a public platform for everyone to see, but it's not like anyone cares enough to validate me anyway. Hence tha toxic spiral of projecting myself then facing rejection.. confirming to myself once again that I am the big giant loser I thought I was.
This whole thing was triggered by this thing that happened the other day. It was my moms birthday but I haven't had any money in forever, so instead of getting her a "present" that you buy with money, I took some roses from somebodys garden and gave them to her. Then she literally RIDICULED ME about it, and made a joke and said "Haha.. this is what Steven used to do to mom every time he would come home from being on the street.. always stealing peoples flowers" (Steven btw is my youngest uncle who died from alcohol poisoning after living on the street since he was 15) but she said it in a tone that was rude and condescending, like it was embarrassing to receive "stolen" flowers (which weren't really stolen, I mean they fucking grow back?).. and so I got really mad, so then she made this HUGE DEAL about how they were actually beautiful "..no no, but they are so pretty!!! Look how pretty omg wowww so pretty so wow amazig!!" and it literally pissed me off so much and made me really sad.
Then my sister comes strolling in with her gourmet cheesecake or whatever and her boyfriend who doesn't open his mouth when he speaks. He just mumbles. "helloooooooo happy birthday!!!" and I was already in a bad mood. She said "mom, our present isn't ready today but we're all chipping in to get you a gold necklace!!!" so basically she's gonna slip me the bill later and she makes all the decisions and does everything because she's the perfect angel child with the perfect boyfriend and home-business and I'm just the crackhead that steals flowers.
The next day we all went to the beach and it was stressful and now all day I've been exhausted watching therapy videos and smoking weed all day just kinda pissed. I've decided I need to cut off from my family for good. Not like my dad whos on the block list, but more like.. just stop hanging out with them and pretending we have a friendship. I'm so tired when I'm around them, and they use me for emotional validation while giving nothing in return. They just wanna treat me like I'm borderline psychotic, but they wont SAY it.. because they fear pissing me off. My mother has become insanely controlling and manipulative, and my sister mirrors her. Every tiny little thing I do tjey both treat me like a child who is incapable of doing anything. "careful thats sharp!! careful dont drop it!! careful dont fall!! careful!! watch out!!" everything is just another thing for them to freak out. And my mom keeps trying to "find me a boyfriend" and set me up with people she finds randomly.. I'm fucking tired of all their expectations. My sister takes everything of mine and expects me to share. Now that I've started a new job, she wants me to get her a job.. and I literally don't fucking want to.. because I don't want to share my job with my sister. But she makes it seem like I owe her.. like everything thats mine is also hers.
My siblings were in my social media for the longest time.. even twitter which is the psychotic version of me.. I blocked them a while ago and told them WHY I din't want to share literally my personal thoughts with them.. and they got all mad. My sister kept stalking me anyway and then she got mad about something I tweeted about her and her bf.. and shes the type of person who holds stuff in and then uses it against me at her own convenience. When I was growing up I was never allowed to leave the house or go out with anyone, but my siblings could do whatever they wanted. So I've never had friends and my only outlet has always been the internet. I don't care, I'm not shy.. but it bothers me to have my family dynamic up my ass. I feel too old to be dealing with this shit, and I've just now realized that they have subconsciously controlled my life this whole time. Doesn't matter what platform I go to.. they find it, and they judge me for it.
I keep having ideas of stuff I wanna create.. comics, books, music.. whatever.. and I start it, but then its completely meaningless. My whole life everything I've ever created has been judged and mocked by people around me, in their attempt to try to make me fit THEIR standards. so I can't fucking do anything. It just fucking sucks. If it's not my family, it's people just like them. I want to hide.. but I also want to be seen.
This whole thing makes me want to move to a new country and start a new life from scratch. New social life completely. I had a dream last night about London. Sometimes I forget first world countries exist... and all the shit you can buy and do over there. Music stores, record stores, libraries, transportation.. online shopping.. things open late. I literally live out in the fucking jungle.. and it's ok.. but it's rural as fuck. Everything closes at 7 ish.. 9-ish.. Sundays aint nothing open or functional. There are no decent stores out here, you can't order anything online, nothing really works, transportation is a bitch. Tomorrow I'm having my electricity shut off from 7 to 4 in my whole town.. because of "maintenance" idk. That's some fucked up third world shit. I had to call off work, and I guess i'm just gonna fuck around all day. Out here people live like sloths. YOu wake up.. eat.. fuck around.. do nothing all day. Don't expect anything to work and don't expect the cops to track you down. There are no addresses, nothing has a working website.. most things are only open for a couple hours a day. And walking for an hour in scorching heat then walking an hour back in a thunderstorm is normal. All I do is look at plants and play with my dog and shit. I dont expect anyone from America to understand my life. I don't buy clothes, I don't buy anything. Theres nothing to buy. People are natural as fuck. All there is is nature.
For me to be like "gucci gang' or whatever the fuck is literally not even an illusion I can even pretend to like. I used to listen to soundcloud music in America when I was living that kind of life like working a couple jobs and driving around and hating my life and going to 7/11 and buying blunt wraps and buying an oz of weed for extremely cheap.. but now I can't even listen to rap.. it doesn't match my life anymore. I need the kind of music you listen to stranded on a boat with no human connection whatsoever. Thats pretty much my life.
I wish I could find other people like me. I don't know where they are. Kinda makes me wanna move but I'm tired of moving. A lot of celebrities come out here to the beach and stuff. There is a "high class" life out here that I still have yet to see up close. Luxury villas, mansions, private beaches, yachts.. all the places those really rich celebrities fly into in a helicopter. This girl I used to know fucked the asian guy from fast and furious because she met him at a bar at a beach. And he took her to his fancy hotel, and she said that the next day he kept complaining about how "fat" he was even though he was ripped. He wanted to stay in contact but she doesn't have social media so she gave him her grandmothers phone number. And he would call her at her grandmas house and everything.. its fucking insane but that guy is ugly as fuck. It just gives me hope that this place is touristy enough to attract people from anywhere in the world.. even though I stay in my 1 mile radius every day in the middle of the city.
Ok that's enough venting. Do i feel better? idk. I think I'm gonna go smoke some weed and eat a banana
August 19, 2020
Not gonna lie I feel fucking good. Just had a birthday and I'm at the age where no one can tell me shit because I'm a full grown ass adult and I do what I want. I just love being older than before, I fucking hated being in my teens and early 20's because everyone is stupid as hell and they expect you to likewise be stupid as hell. Now I can just tell people no.. I'm busy... I have shit to do. Even if it's go home and do nothing.
Everything has changed for me, I even feel like I look older than last year. There's nothing really going on in my life, on the outside. Nothing is really that different. But I've changed internally, I feel like I snapped.. There's so many things I want to do and create, and I've cut through so many social ties and people's expectations. Right now I can honestly say I truly have no one I'm interested in, no one I'm trying to pursue, and I don't care. I feel so amazing to be this free. I lived in the dark for so many years, just in silence. But now I have my own space, and its like I'm married to myself, I'm my own housewife and muse. Some enemies came back into my life trying to challenge me. And I just didn't even care, I've grown too much to even pay attention.
The one thing I face every day is constant boredom. Yes, on a certain level I can entertain myself endlessly.. but I need some kind of challenge. There is literally nothing about any human (alive) right now that is stimulating or even intruiging to me. And I can work by myself, but it gets to the point where I"m just going in circles. Without the feeling of competition or challenge (or inspiration/admiration even), I'm useless, I'm barely skimming the surface of my true potential.
I'm just gonna be fucking honest, I need sex.. it's why I am the way I am. I'm not gonna argue with fucking skanks and whores and imbeciles. If I hear from someone one more goddamn time, "Just get on tinder" I'm going to shoot them in the face. If I hear one more fucking time "But ur pretty.." "But.. just do it.." "but.. just be a hoe.".. fuck. I don't know what I'd do. This is why I don't talk to people. The most misunderstood thing on the fucking planet is female sexuality, and I'll tell you why, it's because women are fucking liars but none of them are satisfied, and they will do anything just to compete with other women, or just to make themselves look better. WOMEN HAVE NO SOULS... So they chase after men for a sense of validation and basically to EXIST.. because otherwise they feel like they don't exist. And it's not like most men have souls either, but men have like weird ways of learning random skills that makes them appear to have souls at least to societal expectation. From what I've seen, women don't care about their own pleasure, they are extremely masochistic. All they care about is the make-believe game of "this is my boyfriend, he gives me social power". I think the reason for this is because female sexuality/pleasure is a very secretive hidden thing that requires years of practice and study for her to even understand it, like a martial art or some shit, like the blade, I'm not joking. There are LEVELS. And men, honestly, only care about themselves, because their sexuality is cheap and effortless. It doesn't require any kind of real understanding to arouse a male, its like the easiest most common thing on the planet. Men and their boners just lined up around the world all jacking off at any given moment to a picture of some giant tittys or whatever. Whereas women have to literally unlock the different circles of hell and fight the gatekeepers to access the ancient buried legend of female power. And they all believe that their precious boyfriend after boyfriend is gonna take them there. The more disappointed they become, the more they hate themselves and continue to repeat the cycle.
--comic sans font-- I'm not liek most women tho.
So yea, I'm gonna keep studying the blade until another otherworldy incel virgin appears on my doorstep after telepathically hearing my echo-location bat cries in the night, and we shall both become light beings as he worships me sweetly like the goddess that I am, and I am forever in gratitude and awe at the force of his massive throbbing erect penis, and I will worship it till we part ways from this soul bond incarnation to meet again in another dimension.
(I have reread this and the fact that I'm like this makes me cry a lil bit. Seriously, where the fuck is 1 person who understands me??)
July 20, 2020
I feel like this website is "clean"... Every other blog or website or "venting platform" I've had has been completely fucked. I don't even know how to really explain it and I'm high as fuck right now, but after a while, I feel like everything I type is feeding this giant machine, or being spied on by my relatives, or somehow being advertized to somebody I know. (don't wanna get into this right now) There's a thing called "content_bleeding".. I can kinda tell who looked at what by how it starts to bleed into reality, or reflected back from another source. This is not a work of fiction btw but I would be an excellent sci-fi writer if that job even existed in this timeline. Everything is fucking hilarious to me. I can tell this website is clean by how easy I can change stuff and hide everything. The more I get into computers the more the abomination screams at me.. my phone wants me back, it wants a relationship with me. Is it IT or is it my friends/family? Going in circles again, I shut everything off for a few hours and sit in my dark room.
I don't know why reality feels like still water to me. Nothing is moving. I stand outside to let my dog out and it's just a road and some buildings. Every day I have new ideas. Today my first idea was I wanna be a spray paint space artist like this rasta dude I knew somewhere. Then later I thought about getting into real estate as a joke but also as a way to make money because I probably know every apartment in this godamn town. These conflicting thoughts exhausted me after thinking about them all day, and still being BROKE. I'm completely all over the place, I just don't understand the concepts of jobs or money. There's like 2 or 3 very specific things I'm good at, and none of them are actually "jobs". It's like I'm not even working in this dimension. I don't know. If you would have asked me 5 or 10 years ago what I wanted to "be when I grew up" I would have said I wanted to be an artist/musician. I just can't lie about this, though. There is nothing real or original in pursuing this, it's all prostitution. I've seen it all, it just repels me. We're too fucking young to be able to make money off of this for real. Everybody wants to be an artist, everybody wants to express themselves... but nobody has the fucking skills, nobody has anything to say. And then people wanna act like age 30 is where it all ends, so they rush to perform this make-believe life for each other, they wanna act famous, they wanna act like valuable individuals. They have kids, they get married... still.. yes, really, like it's the 1950's.. they actually perform the rituals with each other. And I'm just bored... The older I get, the longer I've waited, and the more promising it becomes for me.
What is this genre of thought called? Virgin doom metal? I'm just as self obsessed as anyone else. Bottom line is today, right now, in this very moment, I need money. I need to trust money. I can't imagine what life must be like for people who literally never worry about this, but I think I was traumatized in the womb with starvation and my near death experience. The most money I've ever had was right before going to London for xmas/new years and I blew it all and it felt fucking amazing, and I bought over250 euros worth of records... and I hauled them all back the 9 plane rides around the UK and US and back to Costa Rica where... they have been sitting in a box NEVER LISTENED TO because I don't have a fucking needle for the damn record player. And just the thought of continuing to search for one is exhausting.. everythings been shut down for months, I've been broke, and I'm just going against the grain here. I knew I would think to myself when buying these records, "What the fuck did you buy records for?" like it's some joke, like I'm trying to hold on to times that don't even exist anymore. But you can't possibly understand the feeling of never even having listened to a record before, and going into a record store in London where the owner was a chill autistic dude who allowed me to browse through his entire personalized collection for hours, and like me he was mentally unable to wear out, he just kept coming up with new stuff, new stuff, new stuff... he knew every sound and every category. Sounds I had only ever heard copied along through the times, but the source, the origin. I was in there so long the first day, I forgot to eat and the feeling of light-headedness was what told me to go home for the day. And something crazy happened to my ears, it's like the sound from a record has a different frequency than mp3s or whatever. My ears were like buzzing all night, and the next day I woke up and my ears were completely full of ear wax, like they overdosed, it was fucking bizarre. Anyway this dude, Alan, didn't let me buy any of his records because when I went the next time he was closed for the year and wasn't opening back up until JANUARY 11, 2020 (autism) and he wouldn't open the door for me no matter how much I begged him. So, sobbing on the tube, I went to another record store off the Angel stop on the metro which I had scanned through before... a store that was run by a bunch of 40 year old hipsters who looked like the type who tried to be surfers at one point but were just alcoholics now. And they got really pissed at me because they were closing up shop in 10 minutes, and they just didn't fucking care about me, a tiny human. So I just starting picking out random crap... a little bit from every section.. and it pissed me off to have to do it this way. But I was leaving in 2 days, everything was closing for the year.. and I just felt I had to blow as much money as possible, because I was not coming back here. And the hipster heroin addict dude was like "r u really gettin all this mate?" and I was like don't even question me because I aint turning back. And it really fucking hit me when I had to carry like 35 records all the way back to the other fucking side of London where no trains run and then all the way back to the other side of the world.
And now here I am, about 7 months later, sitting on bricks that are worth double what I paid for out here. Trust me, I thought about selling them, but nobody would fucking appreciate these like me, besides how can I sell them if I haven't even listened to them yet? But I need money, and the things I value are priceless. As you can see, I live a pretty disorganized life, even though I can act smart, I'm actually retarded. Things happen in supernatural ways, I can't plan even 3 hours in advance. Because right now, I'm fine, but in an hour or two, I could be tripping balls off a thought or a business idea or some new plan... and then I come back down. I wish some entity would just pay me $3000 for what I've just written, cuz it's like my job at this point, and $3000 in this reality field is spare change. Or what, should I start a fucking starseed podcast now? PAY ME. cash
Been like an hour or so, I'm not really high anymore, so I think I'm gonna go to sleep.
July 13, 2020
Tour of my music studio which is currently my bed. My instruments have taken years to accquire because I've been broke/always moving to a different country. My keyboard is a Yamaha YPT-300 that I got when I was like 11 years old and have carried around with me to 3 different countries. When I was 11 I also started playing saxophone in school, but quit in high school, then bought myself the one in this picture when I was 21. The acoustic guitar I started playing around age 16/17.. and the electric here is an "Erick-s0n" brand guitar which I got last year here in Costa Rica for like $40. I love it because its super lightweight and I have no idea where it comes from. But yeah, idk I love to play all these instruments, but it's so much baggage. I've had other instruments which I've sold along the years. I'm the only person in my family who plays any instruments, so I'm always clinging to them even if I haven't played in a while, and my family just tells me to pawn them or get rid of them because they think I'm some kind of hoarder. I feel a weird social pressure that because I like music I have to prove it somehow by ""producing beats"" which is lovehate because I'm very pissed that everyone makes music now. What I really want is to be in a metal band but I don't have any friends who are on my vibe. All my friends are girls and I don't know a single female on this planet who actually plays an instrument except for my waifu, Sakura Yoshida. (she is the Glenn of my life, I am her KK I will follow her wherever she goes💍💍) So I figure in a couple years.. if I keep following the teachings of goddess Sakura.. I'll be killer and find a bunch of dumb ass kids to back me up and play all the other instruments in MY band.. which is what I'm currently working on.
🎼 Blade of the wheel,,Cuts deep in the bone,,It's Gideon's quest,,To take Satan's throne🎼
July 12, 2020
.....[???] **dont listen 2 anything I say**....
I'm being SUCH A BITCH today.. I can't stand myself. I'm good and hopeful and optimistic for 3 days and then everything comes crashing down and I hate everything. I need someone to vent to other than ~~this~~ and yet I'm tired of living the after effects of a fucked up childhood, and constantly making everything I talk about a therapy session. I wanna be cool and woke and make tons of money and be surrounded by cool fun people. But what the fuck.. I walk around outside and I'm an alien. There are ~~certain_thought_forms~~ that are not allowed to exist in the collective construct, for example, what I'm talking about now- disliking things, people, society and its motives... so when I think these thoughts, naturally there is a counter-thought to resist this, which usually feels like a knife in my brain. The social ad-blocker designed to make us all get along with each other and allow all extraterrestial genetic mutations to co-exist in harmony :) :) the ***positive_thoughts_only*** section of the mind, restricting all and any malicious negative_vibrations to telepathically tamper with the social order. There is a list of negative topics that have been installed in us so that ~~they~~ can bring them up to start internal battles, move pieces around.. but I'm not usually allowed to participate in these because I'm what they consider a null_Personality and they don't want me saying anything at all because I can't be programmed like that, I'm just too outside of it. All of this, of course, I've come up with after spending 10-15 years of my life scrolling through the endless abyss of social media, and thinking that there's a reward in it somewhere, like the more energy I invest into the little game on my phone the more I'll get out of it. But honest to god, the more I spend energy outside of it.. alone in my personal vortex.. the more I realize it is DEATH, and in the world there is NOTHING.
But enough negative talk :) :) :) I'm sure if I were drugged constantly with the hormone-induced illusion of relating to another human being, all these problems would go away, and I would have no need to be such a nerd and life would be fun and I'd be open and cheery and YAYYYYYYYY OMGGG
I'm sure it's really simple. I'm just so bored mentally after so many years of dumbing myself down to cater to the peasant-intelligence of everyone around me, that my psyche has decided to create an alternate reality where I am actually an alien and the only person aware of the massive simulation we're living in, and also I have all the cheat codes and can create micro-simulations within the simulation, and it talks to me through nature and computers and various signs and symbols that have plagued my existence for years... but I'm the only one. Because everyone I meet is just a player in the simulation and they have a program to either 1.) destroy me as an invader to their construct or 2.) steal my energy and reproduce it within the simulation. So I have to be very careful with people, I have my human diguise and storyline, I know how to answer their questions correctly.
But goddamn it's so draining to live like this. I always catch myself fantasizing on finding a career where I can actually use my abilities with no restrictions, but you'd have to be retarded to not see the world we're living in. My life is a battle between these two extremes. Being smart in a distorted secret fantasy.. and dumbing myself down as to not cause conflict and insecurity in others. Becuase if there's anything I know about people, it's that they are insanely insecure, psychotically almost.. to the point where they need constant validation and reassurance. And when they are presented with a person who seems like a "know it all", who disagrees with people, who isn't easy to satisfy, they become deeply resentful.
Ok whatever. just wanted to share how fucking bored I am. Goodbye
July 11, 2020
Finally got a new keyboard 🍒🍒 A lot of weird shit has been going on and I've been having a lot of weird sci-fi dreams. Last night I woke up from this really disturbing dream and I got really scared for a minute because I felt the prescence of someone next to me in my bed, but it was just my dog.
The dream started out as me living in some giant house with like 40 other boys. I was there with my brother and I was the only girl there. We were all lined up for some competition which was shooting a golf ball into a bucket, but the golf ball was placed on a strange metal contraption that had to be aligned perfectly from our position and distance to the bucket so that it would fall perfectly. Everyone was really excited and focused on the competition, there was this big black guy narrating the whole thing and it was being broadcasted on a TV and everything. I was also really excited to be in the competition, but I kept getting distracted because there was this weirdo freak that would keep appearing behind me and sniffing my head. I realized he was a guy who had recently turned trans, and I actually knew everybody there somehow because we had all lived together for so long. This guy had just gone through the "transformation" and he wasn't the same since. He became obsessed with me and would follow me around, he wouldn't say anything, and he didn't even look like a girl, he just had a dead look in his eyes like a zombie. And all of a sudden he would start attacking me, biting my head like an animal, and I would have to knock him out. Sometimes he would be hungrier than other times, and today was one of those days. So he kept distracting me from the competition and I couldn't see who was next and what the score was, and I was getting really pissed because I really didn't wanna miss my turn. So all of a sudden, he starts attacking me again, and this time I knocked him out and put him in the sink, and I was holding a knife and I made two small cuts in his back and i said to him "No bitch.. you work for ME." and then I realized that he didn't have any limbs. He was just a massive zombie head with a giant mouth and the weirdest looking face, a torso, and no arms or legs. And as he was knocked out there in the sink he kinda looked like a robot to me, and I felt kinda bad because I knew his programming was glitching ever since the transformation. I realized he used my computer and my piano keyboard to write the new "program" (and it had to be mine because I was the only girl there), so somebody had to go into MY computer and fix HIS program, and it was also why he was following me around and being all aggressive towards me. But at this moment, I really didn't wanna deal with this shit because I didn't want to miss my turn in the competition, so I called out to this other guy who had already played his turn to come help me. He came over and was like "whats up?" and I told him how this guys program is glitching and somebody needs to go in and fix it but I'm about to be next.. so he was like "Ok, ok, I'll fix it" like he was doing me some kind of favor. And he goes into the area where he's knocked out which is a sink next to a desk and some random computer stuff. My abandonded piano keyboard was knocked over upside down and everything was just kinda trashed and he said, "Que despiche se tiene esta mae.." as if all of this were my fault. He had to plug the dude into my computer and the piano, and as he got started, I looked over his shoulder for a brief second to look at what he was working on and I saw that the robot dude came with all sorts of technicalities and specifications after his transformation.. like he could only eat foods with sugar, he could only do certain things, and he had to have someone to take care of him during this process because if not it could fuck up and he would begin to starve and have to attack others in an attempt to steal their food from their mouth.. in this case, ME. And I thought what the fuck, I don't even know this freak, why am I the one in charge of taking care of him/fixing all his glitches all of a sudden just cuz he decided to become trans? Then it was almost my turn and I was all stressed out and I ran back to the line where all the other boys were obsessively aligning their metal contraptions which at this point had a fork and knife in it for extra "leverage'(??) and so I started getting ready for my turn as well and started to feel really disadvantaged because I hadn't been paying attention to the game rules or how the other players did it, all because I had this weirdo freak keep attacking me. And I woke up with a weird feeling in my spine, like the robot is inside me in my nervous system, annoying me all day with this bullshit, and like a parasite of some kind it feeds off my mind.
I was extremely freaked out by this dream and maybe I shouldn't watch so many horror/sci-fi movies... Also, wierd things have been happening irl too. Like weird bugs have been appearing in my house or I get strange bug bites. The other day a poisonous furry caterpillar came home with me on my shoe, and I didn't realize it until it started crawling up my leg and when I brushed it off, I got stung by it's toxic hairs. Luckily it wasn't so evil, it was one of those mild fuzzy caterpillars, but it hurt like a bee sting and its still itchy several days later. Mosquitoes, cockroaches, spiders, moths.. all these bugs are around lately because it's winter aka RaInY sEaSoN 🌧🌧 where I live, and I forget its the tropics. Exotic birds follow me around and try to abduct me in the night. I wanna make cool nat geo videos but I always forget my phone when I go outside. Hmm what else.. the pandemic shit finally dropped hardcore out here, and people are freaking out and rubbing hand sanitizer all over their bodies with feverish, psychotic sexual urgency.. and I think there's curfews and stuff closed down, but I don't really pay attention. To me, the apocalypse is when hell is summoned and reveals itself in the physical form, but I already saw all of this years ago and I don't care. It just sucks that all my friends are zombies now. But other than that, I'm having fun with this website and have big plans bIG planz 4 the future 🎂🎂 see ya goobers~~~
July 3, 2020
Coming out of deep luteal egg deatH Hibernation state. notHing to say about it. i was laying in my bed for 48 Hours bleeding to deatH witH tHe lamp on green and im still kinda unwilling to come back to Humanity because tHey dont deserve my existence. i wanna go back 2 sleeP for 20 more Hours 🖤 ☙ ☙
June 29, 2020
My keyboard is so fucked up rn.. some keys work, ot*ers dont.. its annoying as fuck, 8avent gotten around to fixing or buying a new one, so 4 now im illiterate/speaking in code. I used 2 love Html back in t7e tumblr days back wen I was like 19 or so. My brain got beyond fried after age 21.. it wasnt even like I did tHat many drugs.. I mean I seriously didn't even go tHat Hardcore compared to otHer people. But yes, I am addictive_type x1000. I Have my selected substances and i treat them with care and consideration. I like substances of the Highest quality.. daily intake, my own personal rituals. I like to take my personal rituals with me to otHer countries when I travel. Ive risked taking weed on a plane too many times and it is a Horrible experience because after making it past tHe Horrible tsa/passportcHeck experience, tHe whole plane ride I'm having nightmares about whats waiting for me when i land.. will there be dogs, will I go to jail today? I dont know why I do this to myself. Its more like a smuggling fetish.. I like the tHrill of having a secret danger thing that Has more cHances of ending Horribly tHan not. But honestly the paranoia and fear is just not worth it. Its the kind of stress that takes years off u, and makes u feel like a criminal all tHe time.. and unconsciously I Had been doing this type of stuff for years.. and When I actually did go to jail, it was for no reason at all, it was just a MISTAKE IN THE SYSTEM... so I tHink its just tHe way ur built, like a nervous tick u come into tHis life witH tHat u carried from a past life. Now I dont do tHat sHit anymore.. because finding weed in a different country is so mucH more fun and I like traveling care-free cuz it makes me feel ricH and abundant. But I like coffee of tHe Higest quality tobacco of tHe HigHest quality. THis is because tHis is usually How I rate a country. EverywHere i go in tHe world i test tHese 3 tHings: coffee, weed, tobacco. And its very rare for a place to Have all 3 be HigH quality. Usually its 1 or anotHer, sometimes its NONE. So my travel plans usually consist of walking around smoking, finding weed, and finding coffee sHops. I like to walk for miles in new places HigH as fuck.. just cHain smoking. I love tHe culture around tHese substances as well. So far tHe best tobacco Ive found is in europe. I like how tHey roll tHeir little ciggys its very easy to buy anywHere. Weed quality of europe However, is TRASH. And coffee, depends wHere you go. Germans drink good coffee, and so do Croatians. England and France suck. Best weed on tHe planet is in the USA and same with acid/ all otHer artificial substances. Its like the government wants u to be HigH in america. THey Have an interesting selection of cigarettes as well, depending on wHere u are.. but wHats trasH about America is tHe coffee. Costa Rica of course Has tHe best coffee on tHe planet, but weed is mids.. and if u buy acid in Costa Rica, its most likely metH/crack/coke wit a lil battery acid and piss in it for flavor. THe best tHing to take advantage of in a tropical lush place like Costa Rica is tHe shrooms.. tHe variety, and the legality.. it is truly shroom headquartes, with every species imaginable living freely in the mountains, available for anyone at anytime, and in general overlooked because of How little information exists outside of biology. Well anyway, Im thinking about starting a podcast to talk about all my travel shit, and all the other sHit i think about.. but i kinda Have algoritHm frigHt.. i dont even tHink anyone would give a fuck, and id probably get stuck in the underworld of youtube.
